How to cope when your team sucks All those great stats you had filed away in your noggin over the past year, you know, like how you hadn’t lost at home since 2014, how you had a +20 turnover margin last year, how the Bucs hadn’t beaten you since 2012 – replace all of those stats with new stats like how you haven’t won an away game since November of 2015 and you’ve already thrown more interceptions in the red zone than you did in all of last year. Tell yourself every Saturday, “We could still go 14-2. we could still go 13-3. we could still go 12-4.” Tell yourself every Sunday, “I’m never watching again.” Don’t watch the games. Tell yourself you’re not going to watch. Go run some errands so you’re not tempted to watch. Then pull out your phone and check the score on your team’s app every five seconds. Mumble under your breath, “This is why nobody respects us. This is why we’re not taken seriously. How do you go from being the best team in the league to being the worst.” Let no one hear you say this out loud. Despite the fact that you’re actively not watching the games, painstakingly discuss every minor mistake your team ever makes with equally as disillusioned fans. Convince yourself that the more you lose, the less painful it becomes. Remind yourself how stressful it was to win all the time last year because even one loss would’ve been detrimental to your perfect season. Try not to choke up as you type this. Don’t ever bring up the fact that you bragged to everyone during the offseason about how you thought we’d be even better this year and yeah I know we were almost undefeated last year but we can be COMPLETELY undefeated this year. Just. Don’t bring it up. Go through an identity crisis. Try to remember who you are without football. Don’t look at the panther permanently tattooed on your leg. Choose to root for another team, and when that venture fails miserably, choose to root for a young black quarterback who has the chance to send an injured douchebag into an early (but not early enough) retirement. Keep your chin up. There are so many worse things in the world to be upset about besides your team sucking! Choose to dwell on those things instead! It’s your only chance of getting a good night’s sleep.